M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
