You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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