Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
