I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
