Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
