i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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