either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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