How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
