Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
