I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Text me some of your sweat
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
