On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
