im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
