There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
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She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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