I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
