i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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