its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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