He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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