Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
