I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Randomize
