My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
