if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
