4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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