Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
