Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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