I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I want to be your penis for a week.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks