No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.