it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
i've created a new STD.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
