By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
