My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
