Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
