Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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