He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
