Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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