you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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