just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
