Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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