we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
