its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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