Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
