You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
