Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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