I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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