I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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