I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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