Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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