Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
