If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
