life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
