woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
