I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
