It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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