At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
