OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
