Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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