Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
