why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
