Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
