Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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