Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
