so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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