the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
