Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
