Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
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As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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