considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
